who she is inside

2006-01-30T19:15:00.000-08:00

My life right now seems to be more work and less play that it has been recently. Most of my time is spent in class, working, studying, and planning my wedding. Other than that I get to finally spend time with my best friend and fiance, who is finally here in Chicago with me. It's been a blessing and enriched my life to have him here. I want to see him as much as I can, as we continue to encourage each other more fully every day.

But am I missing something? Tonight my friend said, "everyone is talking about all your preparations" (for the wedding). "They are asking, 'Where is Kelly?' ". I have been trying not to talk about it constantly, and not share every detail with every person, but I felt like it's as if they think I'm becoming non-existent here. It is hard to explain to people who don't fully know you, your background, your relationships nor your heart, why you do the things you do. With the news of my engagement being spread in the community I live in, I am constantly finding myself in defense of the decisions Chris and I have made about getting married. I have found that I can not expect everyone to understand, or rejoice with me, so I seek to hide things within my heart, with the assurance of God's approval and hand upon me and Chris. He knows my heart. I live for Him, not others. That's hard to remember sometimes...

I am seeking to further my relationships this semester, but now wonder if I am failing at that. Or, if I do not need to question the specific situations which God has divinely placed me in. I am in a completely new season of life, which I have never experienced before. It is a blessing and a challenge, as I enjoy all that it contains, and struggle with finding those who understand and support this season. Who can I relate to here? I feel as if I have aged 20 years more than everyone else, and in some ways we don't connect anymore.

I am enjoying and embracing all that I'm involved in right now. I am extremely blessed. It's just a little harder to embraces the bumpy times.

My greatest hope is to hold myself in a manner worthy of the calling of Christ. He is the only one who knows my heart, and He can form me and mold me into becoming a woman of God. He is unchanging. He is forever.

2006-01-14T22:09:00.000-08:00

Harmless Hookah?
Lots of people smoke hookah. There's a hookah bar right across form campus, and some people even sit out in the quad smoking their own. Everyone seems to think it's harmless. "It's not bad". "It's so good, all the different flavors." "It's not like there's a lot of tobacco in it." I don't usually hinder people from doing as they choose. Instead I simply choose not to. Now I seem to think otherwise. It may not be the substance itself, but, as many other things today, the social stigma around it. It's a social thing, just like drinking, partying, and drugs.

What's to keep me from thinking that the harmless hookah won't lead to other seemingly harmless things? One social gathering leads to another, and before you know it, she's gone down a very different path than she started on. I may sound a bit uptight, or maybe just overprotective, but looking at today's culture, my analysis seems to fit. People watch things, then do the same for entertainment, which lead to other types of "entertainment". If it's ok to smoke hookah, then maybe it's ok to have just one drink and if it's ok to have just one drink, then maybe it's ok to...

The way i see it, it's exactly like the "If you give a mouse a cookie" phenomenon.
If you give a girl some hookah...
It may not turn out to be as harmless as it seemed in the first place.

2006-01-07T09:49:00.000-08:00

NPU college life
The Benediction

You are God's servants
gifted with dreams and visions.
Upon you rests the grace of God
like flames of fire.
Love and serve the Lord
in the strength of the Spirit.

May the deep peace of Christ be with you,
the strong arms of God sustain you,
and the power of the Holy Spirit
strengthen you in every way.

Amen

2006-01-04T23:04:00.000-08:00

Looking at Tyler's Blog, I began thinking about his family and what a blessing they were, and still are, to me. As Chris and I prepare to start our lives together and join in ministry someday, I am grateful for the example our past leaders have been to both of us. Those who've opened their homes, hearts, families (and fridges) to us make us want to do the same for others. I am excited to have friends over once we're married for Scrabble nights in our tiny Moody apartment, and other more exciting (or boring) forms of hospitality as we move on in our lives. Pictures of families within the church can be misleading, with lots of smiles hiding pain. When I have a family, I just hope that we'll have the humility to be honest with those around us, and be blessed because of that. Even though it's far off, I know that God prepares our hearts long in advance for things we may, or may not, expect. That task will be easier with a husband who seeks God earnestly in his walk and takes the struggles as they are. Chris loves kids, and he's so cute talking about having a daughter in the future. I know he'll be an amazing, godly, father for our children one day. AHH! We get to have kids! A couple years ago when Chris and I were dating (now we're engaged) my uncle was visiting and he just looked at us in this silence then said, "you guys are going to have some cute kids". At the time I was thinking, "you can't say that! We're only dating!". Now I am filled with joy at the thought one day sitting and watching those beautiful kids play right before us.

It's interesting how so many things in life begin as a dream, or just a twinkle of hope, and then as God molds us throughout our lives, those dreams begin to conform to His- if we allow it. "I want to be on Broadway when I grow up" has turned into a desire to use drama and theatre as a way to reach people, or work with students. More ironically, my seventh-grade, "I have a crush on Chris (and hate any other girl that looks at him)" has led to almost four years of building a wonderful relationship and friendship that will soon become a marriage. (yay!)

As I think about the past and the future, who was there and who will be, I am prompted to live the present with those things in mind: who I l spend time with reflects who I become, and God gifts us with dreams and visions which may not turn out to be just what we think, but rather something more amazing.

There are several topics here worth expanding upon, but for now it's goodnight.